Relationships
&
Control

That relationships are a very complex issue there can be no doubt. So, much of what we cover here may seem more than a little tedious. However, if you have a case history of failed or troubled liaisons, I urge you to gather the patience to bear with me if you would like some insight into information that may help you to break this pattern.

Often when we find ourselves in a troubled liaison we immediately wish to blame our partner. However, in many cases, we have to examine our own role in the association. Just as important, we need to ask ourselves why we chose to get involved with this particular individual in the first place. We need to take responsibility for our share of interaction in this relationship, from why we chose our partner to how we relate to one another. This does not, however, mean that we should also take responsibility for their behavior. We are not responsible for the actions of others. So let us begin.

Most of us want to be loved and this is particularly true in a romantic context. We are social creatures for the most part and this probably harkens back to early human history. Then there was safety in numbers and as hunter/gatherers it increased our chances of having something to eat and others that could look after our offspring if we didn't survive. In this manner at least our genes would survive us.

In today's world, of course, we desire partners for different reasons also. We can assuage loneliness if we have a partner, it is sexually convenient, financially expedient, and it's a boost to our ego, too. Of course, there are the romantic aspects to consider, too. It's helpful to have someone to share our dreams with and talk over our troubles with and it makes life more enjoyable to share the fun times in life with a partner as well. Many, if not most of us, want to share a special emotional bond with another, too. However, problems can arise if we expect a relationship to fulfill portions of our lives that we alone are responsible for as individuals. Then our unrealistic expectations can become a source of problems.

We cannot control other people or change them into some preconceived notion of whom and what we expect them to be. To attempt to do so is not only unfair to them, but to ourselves as well and is invariably a recipe for disaster. If you don't get along with your Mother, your children, your ex, your siblings, your boss is a jerk and you hate your job, the chances are that your romantic union won't change any of that!

So why do we choose those particular individuals to get involved with? This is where it can get more than a little tricky. Many psychologists, and a good number of astrologers, believe that we are drawn to certain people not necessarily on a conscious level, but on an unconscious one. We seem to have a built in radar system that draws us to certain people and this is not necessarily for connubial bliss.

Many people believe we are drawn to these individuals by this inborn radar not only for romance, but because our unconscious seems to know that these people can recreate, or be manipulated into recreating, a problem from our past. This gives us the opportunity to revisit this problem in the present and thereby heal ourselves of past hurts. We have to become consciously aware of what's happening in order to take advantage of this opportunity to heal ourselves. Otherwise, we tend to look upon our partner as a villain and instead of addressing these issues it tends to degenerate into a fight. Then we lose sight of the issue at hand and can become more focused on who has the upper-hand and who controls the other person and the relationship.

We can easily see this pattern played out over and over again if we don't take advantage of the opportunity to address the underlying issues at the root of the problem. This is one of the reasons that we see people with a case history of troubled or abusive relationships. We can see and witness people going from one relationship to another only to experience the same problems over and over again, ad nauseum. This is why therapists urge people to not immediately abandon a troubled relationship, but to attempt to work out the problems. If we fail to do this, or at least attempt to do so, we may very well find ourselves facing the very same issues with a different partner.

The analogy I like to use to describe this phenomenon goes like this: Imagine you're in a production of Shakespeare's play, Romeo and Juliet. The play is running along fine, but soon Romeo comes down with the flu and has to be replaced. His understudy has a different face and a different name, but he's still playing the same role – Romeo. So no matter how many times you change the face and the name of the actor playing Romeo, the parts of the lead characters remains the same. We have to become consciously aware of this and determine why we are choosing these people to become involved with.

Obviously, if a relationship is detrimental to our well-being, we should part company. It is in this way, however, that we become more aware of ourselves through our associations. Relationships do have a way of teaching us a good deal more about ourselves. Where this particular theory is concerned, the underlying motivation for relationships is not necessarily romance, but self-healing. The romantic passion is just the lure that attempts to trick us into facing these underlying painful issues in order to heal the wounds from the past. The romance is just a bonus!

Another fascinating tidbit of information was discovered by neuroscientists doing research on the human brain. They found out, oddly enough, that when we are infatuated the same pleasure centers in our brains get activated that get activated in the brains of cocaine addicts when they are high on cocaine! That's not only a fascinating discovery, but it should also tell us that our judgment may not be all it should be where romance is concerned!

This discovery can also give us some insight into infidelity. Apparently the term "love junkie" really does fit some people. This "infatuation response" in the brain tends to wear off after about a year; though for some people it takes as long as two years. This is likely nature's way of ensuring that by the time little ones come along we're not quite so fixated on copulating and have more energy to put into raising our children. However, this also tends to affect some individuals, male and female, with the desire for the initial excitement of infatuation. These people can become like a busy bee going from flower to flower trying to maintain that initial high they get from infatuation. This, in all likelihood, is where the term "love junkie" comes into play and this can wreak havoc on monogamous unions.

I'm not trying to make any moral judgments here. There are people that have open relationships and are perfectly fine with that. However, for many people, infidelity can be a crushing blow to their relationship and it does obvious damage to a person's ability to trust their partner. For many people, once this bond of trust has been broken, it can take considerable time to repair it again. Many relationships never recover from such a breech of a partner's trust.

Next we move along to the most obvious ruse that nature uses to ensure the continuity of our species – hormones. Since I'm a man I can't really understand, on a personal level, how this impacts women, but I can tell you that for men it can wreak havoc with your life! In my younger days I couldn't keep my trousers on with super-glue and a nail gun! Contrary to popular belief, this wasn't always as blissful as you might think. Just try to imagine having your life ruled by some alien tyrant in your nether regions. It's almost like having a child continually waking you up in the middle of the night asking for a drink of water. This, of course, is no excuse for questionable behavior, but this drive is very powerful indeed. It's so strong that I once made love to woman I was living with in my sleep! I didn't even know that was possible but – according to her – it is! On the bright side, at least I found out I don't tend to snore – that would have been a dead giveaway!

The point here, of course, is that nature has all sorts of tricks up its sleeve to ensure that our species will flourish. It has the unconscious, the pleasure centers of the brain, hormones, and other things we may not even be aware of. Nature's desire is to get the job done – even if you sleep through it, apparently! However, if you have problems with relationships, then you have to make a conscious, concerted effort to find the underlying principles that draws you into these unhappy liaisons.

Add to this the fact that some individuals believe we have a tendency to marry a carbon-copy of our parent of the opposite sex and things can become truly complicated. This is particularly true of those of us that came from a troubled background. Quite often these selfsame scenarios can get played out again in our intimate relationships with our partner.

So, is this a reason to despair? Absolutely not – we need to remember that knowledge is power. We need to become aware of what is influencing our choices if we have troubled relationship patterns. This knowledge can help us to avoid these mistakes in the future and lead us to happier and healthier relationships. Even if you need a therapist to help you unravel the puzzle – do so. Your happiness is at stake. And remember my motto – "Life is far too [damned] short to be miserable!"

Some people may feel this takes the spontaneity and romance out of relationships. There are some people that actually get a thrill out of the tension in romantic relationships. I'm sure we’ve all heard of the "crisis junkies" and the "drama queens". I've actually known people that, if they didn't have a crisis in their life, they would adopt one of yours! However, if you prefer to rid yourself of this sometimes brutally painful situation, I'd advise taking a closer look at yourself and the choices you are making in order to change it. The alternative for many people is to go from one prospect to the next blindly seeking they-know-not-what, until they become so jaded and worn down that they give up on relationships entirely. Then they cut themselves off from one of the most joyous experiences that we can share with another and live a life of bitterness.

Obviously, we can be happy without a relationship in our lives, but most of us want to share this special connection with another. If you want this in your life, examine your motivations for choosing prospective mates, nurture your relationships and allow others to be who and what they are. We shouldn't need a relationship to feel fulfilled in life, but it can definitely add some spice to it.

I believe this: Look at life as a cake – relationships are the icing, they're not the whole cake, but it can certainly make life taste a little sweeter!

Click here for Brian Vaszily's video -
Love Letter for the Broken Hearted.

For another perspective on relationships read,
Possessions - Ownership.

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